Marriage in Doldrums

Professional marriage counsellors classify a breaking marriage undergoing two phases. The former is where the armour of marriage begins to crack. Arguments and disagreements begin to occur. The wife reverts to immersing herself in family duties. The husband begins displaying minor abusive behaviour. Both parties struggle to maintain dominance and control.

The Second Phase: Marriage counsellors suggest that a couple must seek professional intervention. Usually professional therapy is sought on advent of the first phase. There is no point in seeking therapy during the second phase. The chinks have deepened. The marriage armour is cracking. Professional therapy is not a miracle drug to save a sinking failed marriage.

The second phase is often described as a combination of reactive behaviour and calculated cognition. The spouse knows that certain types of behaviour will drive the wedge deeper. Yet he/ she indulges in it. This is usually done as the spouse has decided to break the marriage. The second phase marks a point of no return.

It can be avoided if the couple seek professional counselling during the first phase. This halts the downhill process. The second phase is characterised by major physical abuse. In addition, the individual also engages in rude behaviour. This makes the couples drift apart. Usually the second phase results in divorce or legal separation.

Rude & Dishonest Behaviour: The spouse indulges in rude and sarcastic remarks. He/ she repeatedly questions all decisions and actions of other spouse. This critical and harsh behaviour takes the form of extreme emotional abuse. The individual constantly criticises and downplays the judgements of the other.

It succeeds in creating seeds of self-doubt in the other spouse. Self-esteem and belief is slowly eroded. Fear and distrust in own abilities begins to take root. Such behaviour is dangerous as it attacks the psyche of the person. It makes them paranoid and phobic. It also makes individuals hallucinate and live in a world of fantasy. Such abusive behaviour takes on three aspects of:

Financial Control: The spouse realises that he/she will have power if the finances are controlled. Thus, the spouse begins to keep a check on finances. He/ she empties out all joint bank accounts and credit cards. All liquid and fixed assets are transferred to his/ her name. The marital home also comes into his/ her sole possession.

The spouse ensures that the partner always has to ask him/her for money. He/she cancels all joint credit cards. The spouse ensures that there is no limit to his/ her own spending. He/she starts self-purchasing and hiding the fact from family. The spouse begins to spend cash on luxury travel without telling the family.

Social Control: The spouse starts restricting social access to the partner. The partner is refrained from keeping a social circle. This ensures that the partner is devoid of a support system. The partner has to depend solely on her/his own frayed abilities.

The spouse also starts to distance himself/herself from the social unit of family and community. He/she starts working long hours to avoid going to family social outings. The spouse begins to keep a social life separate from familial life. Her/she begins to criticise and rebuke the partner all the time.

Cognitive Control: This is the final crack in the armour of marriage. The souse through social and financial control begins to control the behaviour and action of the partner. This is done to ensure an uncontested divorce. The spouse has to make sure that he/she gains control over the partner's cognitive processes.

This means control over thoughts, emotions and actions. The aim of the spouse is to get the maximum benefit from the divorce. This is not possible in a contested divorce. Thus, the spouse has to ensure that there is an uncontested divorce. Hence, he/she embarks on a process of cognitive c0ontrol. It is fundamentally a principle of mind play. Through emotional, physical and sexual the spouse is able to control the partner's cognition.

Physical and Sexual Abuse: To gain total control the spouse commits physical and sexual abuse. This kind of behavuiiour includes:

• Beating and pushing the spouse


• Kicking the spouse in stomach


• Piercing the spouse in private parts with sharp instruments


• Forcing spouse to have sex with self and others


• Committing adultery i.e. performing sexual acts in front of spouse

Article Source: http://www.myaddirectory.com

James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see www.quickie-divorce.com

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