Do YOU feel Guilty? Disappointed? Hidden Effects of Divorce

My divorce was a pretty easy process. I never thought about the effects of divorce back then, neither for me or for our daughter. My ex-hubby and I never really fought, we just decided that we were making each other unhappy instead of happy, and that it would be better for both of us to move on. What I never could have imagined, is that the mere fact of our marriage going down the drain, would still have a big emotional impact on my daughter and me for the years to come. I started to discover only recently, that some of my feelings where I feel guilty and disappointed, stem from that time, when we decided to split up.

I always thought that I at least had not suffered a lot from the divorce. My daughter obviously misses her father, especially because he lives far away, but for me, I thought that I was over it altogether. Last week, however, I suddenly came upon a deep rooted feeling of guilt I discovered in myself. When I started to recognize the sensation in my body, I started sensing it more and more often, and I see that I am feeling guilty actually quite often.

If somebody would have told me that I was over reacting out of guilt, I would have laughed at them. Me, feeling guilty? I am OK, just as I am, I am doing my meditation exercises to be at peace with myself and the world, no, guilt is an emotion which I hardly know.

I feel it when I see the photograph of my ex-hubby and my daughter, so happy together, I feel it when my husband tells me about the sadness of his children when he is not there, I feel it when my best friend tells me that she had a rough time and I did not phone her...

Why do I feel guilty the whole time? It looks as if I am disappointed in myself. Me, the outgoing, positive, cheery woman, feeling guilty the whole time? What happened to me over the years??

Somehow I have a different expectation than what I actually am, feel, do, think. I feel disappointed when I see the reality of me: When I forget to phone my friend on her birthday, even though I know it is important to her, When I promise that I will help the neighbor with her spring clean, although i know that I'm probably not going to make it, When I talk on the phone about my brother to my Dad, and I know that he is going to tell Mom, who tells my sister-in-law, who tells my brother...

'All disappointment comes from expectations'. (Buddha)

Maybe our feelings of guilt are rooted in expectations as well. Sometimes it is other people who make us feel guilty, our partners and ex-partners are often very good at that. More often it is us who make ourselves feel guilty, by being disappointed in our own behavior and emotions. We often make comparisons between people: Jenny is smarter than Mark, Mark is more good-looking than Henry, Henry earns more money than Edward. In the same way, we compare ourselves with all these people, and we also compare ourselves and other to an ideal picture we have of 'how one should be'. These ideal pictures are often far from realistic, but we still use them, and we are constantly disappointed by the way people act and by the way we ourselves act, think and feel.

The way to get out of this Catch 22 is simple but not so easy. Especially when these hidden effects of divorce hit us, some of these believes can be very deeply rooted in our heart and head. The first step is to localize the feeling as it manifests itself in our body. As soon as we know which body sensation is pointing to the emotion of guilt and disappointment, we have to start being aware of it. After some practice, we start to realize what is happening every time we feel the sensation.

Step two: Accept ourselves as we are. I know, it sounds easy, and it is more like a road to go, instead of one step. But every journey starts with one step, so take it today. Forgive yourself the mistakes you make, promise yourself that you will learn from them. Accept that you have made mistakes in the past, mostly because you did not know back then, what you know now. Be patient with yourself, and don't judge your past.

The third step then is easy: When I forgive myself, it is so much easier to forgive others. When I stop judging myself, I also stop judging others. My relationship with the world, my family, my children, my partner and most importantly, with myself will improve tremendously by doing this.

The concluding step four: So I forgive myself and others, which means I have better relationships, and much less stress. This means I do not make the mistakes I made before due to stress, and I have less reason to feel guilty and disappointed.

Article Source: http://www.myaddirectory.com

Charlotte Kamman helps stepfamilies to be great as a cosy and warm base for children and stepchildren. The effects of divorce are often unavoidable, and yet many people do not expect them to be so bad. Stop blaming the children, start making the chance to need now!

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