Am I bad to think this way?

So why is it so hard? I have been following this site for a while hoping there would be new posts. Now I would share something and not sure whether it would make any sense or not.

We are together for a while now. Its something I have never experienced. I am very happy when I am with her, I miss her tremendously when I am not with her, and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is sometimes confusing and hurting when you feel like she doesn’t care. It’s not just for me I think, its for everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I am very very happy and wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin it. Then why am I feeling this way? I don’t know! That probably sums it up.

When you are in a relationship I think you expect a bit from the other person because this is the person you are happy with, this is the person you want to see when you open your eyes in the morning or before going to sleep at night. This is the person you want to spend time with when you are upset, this is the person you want to do things with because nothing else matters. Is that very high expectations? Some people probably think it that way. But for me its different I think. Some people say it’s a problem when you give up a lot in a relationship, but if giving up makes me happy then why not? Some times I feel like I have changed a lot, I have given up a lot just to be with her and be happy. I always tell her to not change herself for me because of her past but I also tell her I am changing myself for you. I always try to communicate. In her defense she says she doesn’t know or that she doesn’t want to think about it. I know in a sense its not her problem to make me feel good or happy. But then again I am scared of losing her if I start doing exactly the thing she is doing to me.

Before we got so serious, even for first couple of months after we got so serious I noticed a change in me. I always would ask her if she would want to d something but her answer was, “I don’t know.” I will come back to this later, just bare with me. I am trying to keep up with my thoughts. Anyway, that I don’t know answer is fine because I know her on a different level. However, when someone keeps hearing that answer it bound to make you wonder what the heck is wrong with me? She has regular weekly plans with her friend that she wants to keep but we don’t make plans to keep that often anymore. She wanted to go swimming yesterday with her friend but her friend didn’t bring her swimsuit with her so they ended up going somewhere else. Which is fine by me, I am not jealous, not upset, on the contrary, I am happy she does things for herself. But it troubles me a bit how the evening went after that. I come home, of course we had plans to go out for diner but she didn’t fill like going out. That’s great. I took her out to pick some food up, I was even going to ask her to stay home and if she wanted I could go and pick it up for her but she wanted to come with me. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t get anything. I was going to call my bro and see what he was up to, then when I was thinking of that it felt like my gf was kind of off. That made me wonder if it has anything to do with me going out to see my brother and my son. I then thought it doesn’t worth doing anything that would make the love of my life feel any different than it really is. So I ended up abandoning my plan to go visit with my bro and son. I then asked her if she wanted to come with me to get some food with me. “No” – that’s what she said. I thought maybe I will ask her again, so I took a moment of pause and asked her again, you can come and just sit at the car, her answer was again, “No thanks.” It felt like even before I was done with my second request she shut me down. I felt very bad about that. Now things to know, I haven’t eaten good lunch and dinner all day. For breakfast I had coffee and donut. Oh well, I was like ok, I have get used to it. So I went to bed early and of course when you are upset you start thinking about everything. I was thinking, she didn’t go swimming, but she wanted to. Only reason she didn’t go was that her friend didn’t come prepared. They went somewhere after work, I know she was tired and everything, but still she could have come with me. So of course I started thinking something is wrong with me. It happened to me before and its happening again. I did talk to her about what happened to me before. I don’t want to go back to that kind of things – really. It hurts. Back to what happened earlier before lunch. I asked her what she was doing for lunch, whether she was going home or just staying to do her homework at work during the break. But she said, “I don’t know.” Of course when I was in bed, I thought about that too. If she doesn’t know whats happening in 10 minutes for lunch how can she say that she will stay with me forever? Yes I know I can keep my end of the bargain but that made me wonder where I am for her. One of her friends told her not to leave any room for doubts in a relationship. But again it’s not her duty to make me feel the way good or anything. I have to get used to it all. I am trying that.

So putting everything on the same tone, last night I felt like she doesn’t care. Now don’t get me wrong, I know by my heart she cares and loves me but still this silly little head goes off wondering on thought land. So last night when she came to bed, all she thought was that I was upset because of her not being 100%. That is not the truth, truth is I didn’t eat lunch and dinner. I was kind of cranky. But she came to bed the first thing she mentioned that she loves me (I know that, I love her too) she would do nothing to hurt me, nothing has changed and stuff. But seriously, not a single word about whether I had something for dinner or not. I am not upset because that made me realize, even though I am in a relationship and sharing life together that doesn’t mean she has to care about me. But still it makes me feel bad. Because I know if she was in my shoes I would have acted differently and make sure she had something before bed. Night before last night, she was tired and didn’t feel like cooking, I insisted on taking her out. Kept asking what she wanted. But not a single word whether I had anything. I always ask her if she needed anything. Sometimes I even skip work (doesn’t bother me at all) to bring her tea or food or meds. I am not sure how it is in other relationships but if this is how it is supposed to be then I have lots of “getting used” to. I don’t like the feeling that I am taking care of her but simple gesture of asking “did you have anything for dinner” would have been sufficient for me. I also don’t like the feeling of not knowing whats happening. I know from her past experiences she wouldn’t make plans, I don’t want her to change that either. But I did tell her, when she is with me I get her entirely, tired or not. But when she is with her friends, they get only that part that she is very happy go lucky person. What bothered me a bit is that, she took her friend somewhere to do stuff after work eventhough she was very tired, but yet a straight “No” to my request to come out with me in the car. I didn’t want her to drive, I didn’t want her to pay for my food or anything. Just wanted her to come with me so I didn’t had to go alone. I told her how much I hate eating alone. That’s for another time.

Yesterday she also told me, “Go do your thing.” I don’t like that. Because everytime I hear those words, it triggers what happened in the past. Don’t wanna get into details but, those words totally make me feel like she doesn’t care. Again, if you are reading this, know that I am not mad and upset. I love you so much. But things are in my head just wanted them to get out.

My gf also tells me to share everything with her. Doesn’t matter what it is she wants to know. I do that religiously, if even the silliest thing that bothers me I tell her that. But I haven’t heard anything from her. Either because I am an angel and have not issues she could see or that she doesn’t care whats happening to our relationship. The only time I heard from her was that when she thought I was looking down to her, which I would never do. It felt at the time for a bit but then knowing that she could express herself made me feel good.

So, what is it that we all say, “Giving up for any relationship is bad?” Well if it is bad then why are we even in a relationship? I don’t know again. I refuse to believe that, not hanging out with the guys every two week is bad for a relationship. Because for me I would rather be with my girlfriend and watch some girle shows on tv. If we think giving up is not eating alone hoping you would eat as couple, then I refuse to believe that it is giving up because that’s what its all about being in a relationship. If giving up means, go do your thing, then I don’t agree with it. Again, I don’t want my gf to be all mad but I am not giving up anything. On the contrary, I have everything that I need in her. I love her. But I think I have to change a bit from now so I don’t end up losing the best thing in my life. By that I don’t mean I will be rude or disrespectful to her. I love her really a lot. I know what I can do for her. I know she makes me happy. I know she makes me feel like million dollar. I love everything about her even when it hurts me. I know it will happen again probably today where she will be oblivious as to how I feel and I will probably be keeping it all inside and let her do or enjoy whatever she is doing hoping she would notice me and acknowledge that I exist. I love you.

I am not putting you down, I am not thinking differently, I don’t want you to give up on me, I don’t want you to shut me down, I don’t want you run away from me, I don’t hate you, I love you more than you will ever know.

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